One of the hardest things I’ve had to navigate in my changed circumstances.

Being alone and finding solutions not knowing where to look.

The first taste of that come when I first got the second Jeep. I had to change the number plates. First obstacle was that there are two sizes of 4×4 number plates. We don’t notice these obscure little details do we? Until they become major decisions.

Then of course armed with my number plates, I head home. It took all of my strength, broke most of my nails to get the old number plate off as it has been cut (as they bought the wrong size) and glued to the backing plate. I remember sitting on the garage floor in a desperate heap, just wanting to cry. And then I thought I’m not going to let a numberplate be my downfall. Definitely not a numberplate. So I went to the toolbox, got myself the screwdriver I thought I needed and separated the car and the numberplate. I was worse for wear when it was done, but I was not defeated and that was important.

Since then there have been so many things that have threatened my very existence. Emotionally. Figuring out how things work and how things fit together are the trickiest for me. Figuring out why the TV doesn’t work.

Figuring out how to keep the fire going in the fireplace, for the whole evening instead of just 5 minutes. After about 3 months I find out the small ones are fire lighters and not wood at all!

Trying to reach the top shelf in the shops has been relatively easy. Wait for some tall dude to come past and ask him to get it for you and add ‘ it’s a bugger being short’ that works brilliantly. At home, I found you wait quite a while for someone tall to walk down the passage.

I’ve found ways of solving these problems as they come up. Sometimes it’s with a lot of internal frustration. And I always make sure we have spare batteries for everything in the house. TV remote. Garage Door Remote. Car keys.

Sometimes I still sit and cry because I can’t fix something and I don’t have anyone to go to for help. But then I read the manual or find an alternative way. It may not be perfect or the most effective way, but until someone comes into my life and shows me a better way or how to actually do that thing, the makeshift plan I’ve made will have to do.

Learning to drive in all weather conditions is next on the agenda, after last week. Another mountain to climb.

Problem solving common day to day problems is especially difficult for me. But I guess I must be managing. I don’t feel as stressed as I used to.

There is less of “what now” and more of “ok how can I deal with this new situation’ thinking.

I think that losing control to your circumstances helps a huge amount, to live one day at a time, sometimes, when the going is rough, it is reduced to one moment at a time.

I am at the point that I have to stop what I am doing, take a breath and say, ok where were we, and what was I doing. Ah, that’s what it was, and off I go again.

The days of ‘hold that thought’ feel so long ago, a lifetime away, so distant, as if that was never a part of my life. It feels that immediate fulfillment and concurrent fulfillment of a million things is how it’s always been.