The things that shape you

You get to think a lot when catastrophe strikes. Maybe that’s why it happens to you and not someone else. Perhaps you were meant to figure some things out along the way that you hadn’t quite done yet.

Like I haven’t quite figured out why people keep telling me, including the Drs, how well I’m dealing with this. I have no experience to draw from. How am I  supposed to deal with it if not like this? Even Nic says he has a problem as I don’t show I’m sad. The thing is, I’m accepting, really accepting of what happens in life. I don’t kick against it. And I know I must get through it. And I know it mustn’t take me too.

Looking back, I was always a scenario planner. A serial one. I had a mother who was relentless and unmerciful. I hated being at home. As far back as primary school I spent as much time out of the house as I could. I had a friend, also called Debbie. She lived about 1.5km down the road. I had to be home by 5pm. But I was always late. I had this song I used to sing

I had a good home and I left left left, it served me jolly well right right right.

Every time I said the word ‘left’ I put my left foot down and every time I said ‘right’ I put my right foot down. You walk unbelievably fast that way. Also, I scenario planned in that time, if my mother said that, I would say this, but if she did this I would do that. I had three or four options as she was so unpredictable. It is probably the reason I can so easily change from one situation to another today.

I think it is from those early years that I live a life of inner freedom. I kind of shut out what the world is doing and see the small things that contribute towards making my day happy. I realised the other day, it’s what made me survive as a child, and now that’s who I am. Forget about the ugliness in the world, accept the there will always be ugliness. The ugliness in my young world was the closest you could get, it was my mother. So I looked outside and I found there was beauty there. Not everything was ugly. Just some things. I learned to deal with the harsh reality of life, and still find the beauty, to still live and laugh and be free.

Maybe that’s what my life is supposed to be for other people, not to make them smile, as I originally believed, but to show them, there is beauty beyond the pain.

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2 Comments

  1. My mother was cruel too. Turned out she had mental issues. While her diagnosis was not a pleasant discovery, it did bring me some healing because I then realized she most likely couldn’t help the mean things she’d said and done. So much about your life and the ways you think match up so well with mine!

    Like

    1. My mother just disappeared and I have not seen her since 2003/ early 2004. So I don’t have closure, but I’ve dealt with all of that. I don’t think any sane person acts as she did.

      Like

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