I wake up today with a knot in my stomach and I feel like running. I don’t really know why. I look at my hands and they are swollen and I know I’m internally stressed. I’m going to need courage to get through today.
I suppose I’m trying to push down the rising panic and fear of a life without Nic
I think I’m going through part of the process now so it won’t be so hard later and if later never comes then I will be very grateful for YHWH’s grace and mercy given to me.
People don’t understand the process, where I’m at, they expect me not to think it or to feel it. What they don’t consider is that maybe it is YHWH’s will to take Nic home. We know not these things. It comes not from the fact that I have too little faith but that I have a huge amount of faith in Him. That as hard and as sad as it will be for me, He has my life in His hands, He has a plan for me and that plan is perfect just like the one for Nic is. The difficulty is that we need to do what is right every single day, now. Here. Today.
Nic is very fearful of dying. I keep asking him why. He doesn’t really answer me because in that moment the fear is too great. So I hold him and tell him not to be scared. That is truly how I feel. I am not scared of death. Possibly because of what I’ve experienced in the world. I’ve had to deal with more than most people in this world and I was adamant I would come out the other side. I wasn’t going to let my circumstances defeat me, and this is no different.
This is harder, much harder as I have to get myself through it and support Nic through it as best I can. I don’t think I always get there, but every day is a new day to try again.
And I’m starting to feel the fear all over again.